I Have Learned So Much . . . A Personal Post

The last few weeks have been some of the most challenging of my life - challenging to me as a friend, as a believer, as the parent of three boys who will one day be making their own decisions and going their own direction.

If you're new to this blog, you might want to go back and read - Extravagantly, Love. Follow. Be Like Christ, and Messy. They will give you a good idea of who I am and how I live my life. You might need that foundation to understand this post.

Music draws me in. It speaks to my heart when talking to others is no longer helpful. It connects me on a different level to my Savior and His comfort, His love, His embrace. Someone posted this song the other day and I clicked on it because I like the band, and then I proceeded to cry through the song . . . listen for yourself - Worn by Tenth Avenue North.

 The song begins with the words:

I’m Tired. I’m worn.
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left 

Ever felt that way? Bone weary . . . not sure where the energy to keep going is going to come from? Knowing that one part of your life is draining you and feeling almost unbearably guilty when it bleeds over into other parts? 

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

You wonder where the strength will come from to survive the marathon of sadness and confusion and hurt. You make it through a day, a week, sometimes just a few hours by being numb, trying not to think about, not to feel - because you know if you do, it will consume you. Because when you let it, the pain takes your breath away and drains whatever energy you have left. 

The chorus of Worn says:

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

And you live in this place - this world where your heart is broken but you continue to function because you can't let this situation, as horrific as it is, ruin the rest of your life but the pain doesn't go away and it doesn't lessen, it just blends into the background better on certain days than others.

You know God can heal. You know He's in the business of redeeming the broken, the wounded, the things the world would consider destroyed. But you know He may not choose to heal or redeem this situation in the way that you would want. There is a very real possibility you will live with this ache until you enter the gates of Heaven. You may never see the solution you so desperately want. And yet you can't give up hope. God can change it. He may change it. But it may not happen. And you live in that tension of heart and mind and soul. And there is no end in sight. It could end tomorrow and it could possibly never end this side of eternity. 

And in this place, I have learned so much. I have learned so much about the way God has made me. I have learned about His infinite patience in light of our sin and our betrayal. I have learned what mercy is - what it means to love someone and not receive anything in return. I've found I draw closer to my Saviour when my heart is sad and torn. He gives me hope . . . I know He is in the business of redemption, whether it be tomorrow or in eternity - all that is broken will be redeemed.