My Heart

So I'm going to take a break from my deal posts to share my heart . . . because that's what this blog was started as, and since it's mine, I feel like I can do whatever I want with it. (Although, I've never seen a deals/sharing inner thoughts blog, maybe it will be wildly successful!)

I need to admit something - I'm struggling. Struggling with this whole mommy thing. I realize with a 3 year old, a 2 year old, and a baby due in a little over two months it's not really a good time to feel completely defeated as a momma. But here I am.

I love my little guys. All of them, even this itty bitty little one who I haven't officially met yet. They bring so many smiles and so much laughter to our world, and yet I feel like I fail them regularly. If anyone has had training on children, it should be me. I babysat in high school. I was a nanny in college and grad school. I have a degree in Christian eduction and I've taken a million child development classes.

But so many times, as a mom, I just plain suck! I don't get it right. I know I'm getting it wrong and still can't seem to change directions. I holler. I get angry. I tell my husband I just want to run away. I'm not going to, but it sure feels better to say it sometimes.

The latest piece of the puzzle has been the fact that for all intents and purposes, my oldest got kicked out of preschool last week. We could discuss all day long the ins and outs, the ups and downs, whose fault it is and what could have been done differently. He's smart - really smart and stubborn - really stubborn. For the most part, he's good at home and he's good in public. He's three and so we have meltdowns over not wanting to leave the play area at Chik-fil-A or complaints about the things we need to do not being what we want to do. But never have I chased him screaming around the store or had to repeatedly put him back in bed. He's quite obedient for us. Apparently, not so in school.

To the point, whatever the bottom line there was fault on all sides. My child isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. The school isn't perfect. The teacher isn't perfect. The administration isn't perfect. The leadership isn't perfect. But I feel like I failed. I still don't know what I could have done differently. I'm not sure what I will change if the situation ever occurs again. I just think surely I could have done SOMETHING to change the outcome. I could have pushed harder with the administration up front, demanding change or at least a hearing with the powers that be. I just didn't want my child to be embarrassed by his crusading mother - at three - but maybe he would still be in school if I hadn't worried about that. Maybe there was more I could do at home to try to help mold his behavior at school, but I asked and asked and no one had any suggestions.

On top of my older son missing out, now my younger son is punished for something that isn't his fault. He loved his class. He loved his teachers. He lit up every time we walked down that hall, and that's been taken away from him as well. It was the right decision, but it doesn't make me any less sad that this special time was stolen from him especially since I know he will be put on the back burner just a little bit more when our baby comes in a few weeks.

I read another blog today about grace. About kids who are hard on themselves and struggle with admitting their faults . . . about how critical it is to teach them about God's grace.

So today, I came here to say:

I am weak.

Because I am at the end of myself, because I am tired, because I am pregnant and extra emotional, I don't have much to say except that I don't have much to say about that.

Instead I hear God say, "I am strong when you are weak. My grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness."

So, today I will choose to be thankful for my struggles and for my weaknesses because, through them, Christ's power rests on me.

Thank the Lord there is no limit to His grace - the depth, the breadth, the width - so much more than we can imagine. I don't have to worry about hitting bottom. I can simply rest with my head on His shoulder, knowing that it is all okay . . . in spite of me.