Who Do You Take Advice From?
Lately I've been talking to a lot of people from dysfunctional families. That's really not that unusual when you realize all families are probably dysfunctional to some extent. My personal opinion is that dysfunction is an inescapable byproduct of living in a broken, dying world.
In the interest of being completely up front, I do have to say that my immediate family has a lot less dysfunction than some - my parents have been married for over 30 years, all of the siblings and our families see each other on a regular basis, and while none of us have conquered the Christian life by any means there does seem to be an earnest desire to serve God throughout our immediate family. However, my extended family has been touched by many common issues including mental health problems, divorce, conflict with extended family members, etc.
It has been an interesting contrast, though, to spend time with those whose story is mostly opposite of mine. I have friends who were physically and sexually abused as children. It seems to be a common occurrence for many of the people around me to not have any kind of relationship with their parents or siblings. Some of them have been married multiple times and aren't 100% sure they're going to stick with their current spouse. So many seem to simply accept the failure of relationships as commonplace and frankly not worth fighting for.
I don't get it.
I have to admit in the past several months I have been quite tempted to shut down on some difficult situations in my own life. It is easier to not deal with it. There is more "peace" when you don't have any interaction, because then there is no conflict.
But in the end what will that really cost me? Would I grow more if I stuck it out? Would I be a better person if I chose to love anyway? Would I be more Christlike if I am humble enough to admit my faults and don't insist on pointing out someone else's? Will someone's life be different because I love them when they aren't easy to love? Will I break a destructive pattern and show my boys a different way to handle hurt and anger?
What I'm discovering is that when people say they need distance in a relationship with someone, it's often simply a form of punishment. If you don't do what I want . . . if you can't be who I want you to be - then I just won't have anything to do with you.
That's not always true. Sometimes you need distance to give you perspective. Sometimes relationships are truly unhealthy and they require separation until that can be resolved. But so many times it's just a sanitized version of the silent treatment.
Unfortunately, time passes and eventually those relationships break down. No one remembers the good times or the reasons for wanting the relationship. Instead after so long spent focusing on the slights, insults, grievances and perceived wrongs all that is left is anger, hurt feelings and bitterness somehow wrapped into a neat tidy package of numbness. I believe Satan uses this indifference to convince us that we really don't care and shouldn't invest anymore time or energy into restoring that relationship.
Our pastor preached a message last week about the lies that Satan uses to deceive us. One of them was that if God is doing something that means it will be easy. You know, God must not want me to X or it wouldn't be this hard. That's not biblical. God calls us to the difficult things in life. He never promises the Christian life will be easy . . . that means our relationships, too.
No matter how much easier it would be to quit, that's not what God asks of us. He's called us to stick it out. To love when we don't feel like it. To accept those who aggravate us. To extend mercy where we feel justice would be more appropriate. Not to decide distance is easier. Not to shut down our emotions so we don't have to deal with the hurt. Not to give up on the people He's given us to love.
So, when you're struggling with a situation and someone tells you what you need is "distance," consider who you are taking advice from. Do they have relationships that reflect what you want for your life? Or will taking that advice lead you to less growth, more bitterness and a lifetime littered with broken relationships?
In the interest of being completely up front, I do have to say that my immediate family has a lot less dysfunction than some - my parents have been married for over 30 years, all of the siblings and our families see each other on a regular basis, and while none of us have conquered the Christian life by any means there does seem to be an earnest desire to serve God throughout our immediate family. However, my extended family has been touched by many common issues including mental health problems, divorce, conflict with extended family members, etc.
It has been an interesting contrast, though, to spend time with those whose story is mostly opposite of mine. I have friends who were physically and sexually abused as children. It seems to be a common occurrence for many of the people around me to not have any kind of relationship with their parents or siblings. Some of them have been married multiple times and aren't 100% sure they're going to stick with their current spouse. So many seem to simply accept the failure of relationships as commonplace and frankly not worth fighting for.
I don't get it.
I have to admit in the past several months I have been quite tempted to shut down on some difficult situations in my own life. It is easier to not deal with it. There is more "peace" when you don't have any interaction, because then there is no conflict.
But in the end what will that really cost me? Would I grow more if I stuck it out? Would I be a better person if I chose to love anyway? Would I be more Christlike if I am humble enough to admit my faults and don't insist on pointing out someone else's? Will someone's life be different because I love them when they aren't easy to love? Will I break a destructive pattern and show my boys a different way to handle hurt and anger?
What I'm discovering is that when people say they need distance in a relationship with someone, it's often simply a form of punishment. If you don't do what I want . . . if you can't be who I want you to be - then I just won't have anything to do with you.
That's not always true. Sometimes you need distance to give you perspective. Sometimes relationships are truly unhealthy and they require separation until that can be resolved. But so many times it's just a sanitized version of the silent treatment.
Unfortunately, time passes and eventually those relationships break down. No one remembers the good times or the reasons for wanting the relationship. Instead after so long spent focusing on the slights, insults, grievances and perceived wrongs all that is left is anger, hurt feelings and bitterness somehow wrapped into a neat tidy package of numbness. I believe Satan uses this indifference to convince us that we really don't care and shouldn't invest anymore time or energy into restoring that relationship.
Our pastor preached a message last week about the lies that Satan uses to deceive us. One of them was that if God is doing something that means it will be easy. You know, God must not want me to X or it wouldn't be this hard. That's not biblical. God calls us to the difficult things in life. He never promises the Christian life will be easy . . . that means our relationships, too.
No matter how much easier it would be to quit, that's not what God asks of us. He's called us to stick it out. To love when we don't feel like it. To accept those who aggravate us. To extend mercy where we feel justice would be more appropriate. Not to decide distance is easier. Not to shut down our emotions so we don't have to deal with the hurt. Not to give up on the people He's given us to love.
So, when you're struggling with a situation and someone tells you what you need is "distance," consider who you are taking advice from. Do they have relationships that reflect what you want for your life? Or will taking that advice lead you to less growth, more bitterness and a lifetime littered with broken relationships?
Wow, could you have written that anymore personally to me? :) Very good stuff to mull over. Thanks for the insight.
ReplyDelete