No, I'm Not Pregnant

. . . at least that I know of, but I did make a baby bumper for a girl! Because that's me. That's the way I do things. I know I won't feel like doing it if I do get pregnant, and I would love to have a girl after both of my boys. But if it doesn't work out that way, I'll be just fine with that and some other special baby will get to benefit from my industriousness.

I just love this material! It's so pretty without being frilly or nauseatingly pink. And the brown was the perfect balance - soft and cuddly. Hopefully, I have enough material to make a quilt to go with it. That will be my next project, as soon as I can get to the store.


I've been so busy over the past several weeks. Garage sales, house showings, MOPS events, tutoring, chasing children, cleaning . . . but it's been such a satisfying period of time. Such a time of growth and peace. It's crazy to me how God brings just what I need, just when I'm not looking for it. Like my husband - as soon as I stopped trying to figure out if each new guy I met was the "one," along came Joey who declared he WAS the one.

Joey and I have been amazed in the last several weeks about the change that is happening in our own separate lives and in our marriage. I hate to even type that because I know it probably means there will be a huge fight, ahem, discussion tomorrow to remind me that we have not arrived and we have a long way to go.

I am sure there are some who won't agree with our decisions, and don't approve of the direction we are taking. But we are confident that we are following God's lead - not without making mistakes because no one is perfect and we will all fail - but determinedly and purposely. We're heading in the right direction, even though sometimes that means making hard decisions and choosing things that really aren't what we would prefer.

Frequently I wonder where we're headed and what God's plan is for us. I love the Brandon Heath song that says:

Still wondering why I’m here
Still wrestling with my fear
But oh, He’s up to something
And the farther on I go
I’ve seen enough to know
That I’m, not here for nothing
He’s up to something

So now’s my time to be a man
Follow my heart as far as I can
No telling where I’m ending up tonight
I never slow down or so it seems
But singing my heart it’s one of my dreams
All I gotta do is hold on tight

Joey's asleep so I'm going to speak for him and correct it tomorrow if I need to, but I think you could say this is our theme song right now. I'm falling in love all over again with the man God is making my husband into. I'm proud to be his wife. I'm excited to see where he's going and to have the privilege of going with him.

We make so many mistakes. It's humbling to listen to God as He points out where you are totally missing the boat. But it's exciting to know He loves us just that way, even when we're screwing up all over the place.

I owe some of you personal apologies and I will get there eventually, but I publicly want to share one of the things God is doing in my heart. I've realized lately that I have a tremendous fear of failure. When I was little my mom and dad taught together at a small Christian school. Since they didn't have a babysitter for me they took me to school with them even though I was too small to really go to school. As a result, I read early. I learned stuff from the older classes just because I was sitting in on whatever my mom was teaching. They used a PACE curriculum - self paced books that you worked through, and I flew through the beginning books. Apparently I never even missed one question because I distinctly remember the day that I received my first 99%. I was crushed, devastated, heartbroken. They had to take me to my dad, interrupt the class he was teaching and have him explain to me that a 99% was still a "good grade."

I'm still that little girl. I want things to be perfect or I don't want to do them. I want the people around me to be perfect or I don't have any patience for them. I'm so sorry. That's not fair of me - to myself, to my husband, to my kids, or to my friends and family. For those of you that have stuck with me anyway - thank you! I'm working on it. God's working on it. I want it to be different, and I need people who truly love me to tell me the truth softly, tenderly, but honestly. I need to be reminded. I need my eyes opened to the areas that are still blind to me. I feel like I've only just touched the tip of the iceberg, but what a difference it has made already.

I need to go to bed. I didn't mean to head off into all of this when I sat down to blog about my baby bumper. But apparently God laid it on my heart just now for a reason. I'm so greatful for a Father who takes all my broken pieces and puts them together to create something beautiful and useful in His eyes.